Bifkin Trafficking

Much like the average person, I like an odd search of the internet now and again; when I'm alone, in need of research, bored and trying to avoid looking at the same clip of pornography over and over again, but it may be worth noting that many people visit the bifkinpie in search of some horrifying things. Things that would make you want to become a Vicar (in addition to the boon of getting a nice free big house, an endless supply of biscuits, and all the lavender scented gilf you could handle).

And so over the past 6 months searches to arrive in the pie, include:

'All animals being silly', the tamest of the searches. Firstly let me address those people - I don't want you people here. You idle away your life looking at cats doing something moderately amusing. Go on, sod off and be useful. At least film a small child eating a lemon for the first time...now that's funny. Cats incidentally won't eat lemons. If they did, Lisa Riley might still have career (a minutes silence, please).

'Tattoo on teeth' - as I discovered this is an actual procedure you can get done. It's not even a tattoo, it's a stencil. Some bloke had Kate and Wills done on his teeth for their wedding. Fortunately like the fixation with Pippa's arse, it's not permanent (stop thinking of her arse). I imagine many will now rush out now to  get something natty done to secure a record deal for their closeted suburban grime act 'Bruvvasundercovers'.

'Dominatrix with a pie in the face' - that kind of defeats the object you filthy worm, now lick my shitty wellies! A dominatrix would never let you put a pie in her face. NEVER! Unless of course the attacker was taped up in a bin bag with a singular arm hole with which to fire said pie. That might be fun.

'Shave the Baby' - Yes you can shave a baby, you can buy a hairy doll that you shave, and it's a ginger baby, with hairy ankles (see post: 'Kicking it with the kids'). Quite why you'd want to 'Shave the baby' is anybodies guess. But at least it's not an actual baby you want to shave, unless you're rearing your own 5-a-side bunch of neo-nazi's and are looking for tips (Tip #1: try not being racist).

And finally, 'Diarrhea on face'. This search is clearly for scat fans who prefer it loose. May I recommend that you don't drop your poorly guts onto someone's face. They may die. Perhaps try mocking the act by using 'Cow & Gate' Autumn Vegetables range - it's almost the same, with a tad more parsnip and less E-coli.

And so over the next few months I look forward to many people dropping into the site to be massively disappointed by the nonevent of their searches.

Now you must excuse me, I've got to find pictures of dogs in lingerie. It's for a thing.