Faith, The Lone Wolf, and the Marmite Indifference.

I know I'm a bit nuts. I don't mind, in fact I like this about myself. I like the fact I don't seem to conform; that I *think* I see things differently. That's the thing about maturity - you give less of a toss about what people think of you. Now, I will not allow myself to be oppressed by normalcy. I will not be swayed by popular opinion. Just because what I believe is right doesn't mean it is right. I'll just do my own thing, thanks. If you don't like me, don't worry, I don't subscribe to universal approval; You crack on, love. 

I have a new friend.

I liked her straight away. 

Let's call her The Firecracker, and you can make your own image. 

I felt an instant connection to her, in fact she bowled me over with her intensity when we first met, but I could sense an innate goodness about her that didn't make me file her in the 'Whoa There!' cabinet. Fortunately I've been proved right; she's a solid good egg. She's ace.

Slightly younger than me, and newly single, The 'Cracker is naturally addressing and dissecting the 'what-went-wrongs' of her past relationship in order to conclude the lesson. BUT one striking comment she made, that got a rise out of me, was that she felt her poor record in love was her personality/attitude. I up-ended the table there and then (in my mind). Again, she's ace.

The thing is, I'd had this very conversation with myself but 2 months ago. I'm sure many of us - as singletons - have looked in the mirror and thought "What is WRONG with me?". "Why aren't people tripping over themselves to bag a piece of this tasty carcass?", and on special occasions, "I'm so fucking lonely!!!".

And what does your average independent, assertive 36 year old do in the circumstances? They email their Mam of course:

Vic McGlynn <vixmcglynn@googlemail.com> to Avril Helloooo Mummington                                                                                                        Got a bit of time off this week, looking forward to sorting out a few things in the move. But I’m feeling a bit down that there’s something wrong with me  that I can’t attract a man. I don’t think my new BBC Sheffield picture has  helped me feel good – it’s horrible. But I just don’t know what it is about me..? Anyway, time to put a smile on. Let me know what you’ve been up to. X ------------------------------------------------------------ avril*******@gmail.com to me I knew you were down, after all the excitement and effort of moving etc it's  only to be expected. You are looking through critical eyes at present. You  are very attractive, and your eyes are beautiful. I think the man who will be  attracted to you will be looking for someone very different. In the same way  as you won't want a boring bloke. You are quite a challenge, most blokes  want someone they can feel just a bit more superior to, no chance of that  with you. You want someone who is an equal to you, so that you can bounce  off each other, have intellectual chats and a laugh. You know all this but if he  has to be special to be right he's worth waiting for.  As you say slap on a smile and keep going. Love you so much and want you  to find someone special, just like you. Take care of yourself, Mum XXXXX Sent from my iPad --------------------------------------------------------- Vic McGlynn <vixmcglynn@googlemail.com> to Avril That was a lovely and much needed and enjoyed message. Love you Mum x ---------------------------------------------------------

Shortly thereafter I met someone under rather unorthodox circumstances, and to be fair to that person/victim, I'm going to keep it as vague as possible. 

(cue dry ice) 

Though a brief meeting, there was something to this chap I liked. Perhaps I felt a connection? A mirroring? I did find him attractive; there was an internal, I-think-you-might-be-ace resonance that I *felt* exceeded the connection I apply to friendly acquaintances; you know, the stuff surpassing a light friendship that triggers YES I could possibly be thinking about being willing to perhaps handle your fluids. But more importantly I was very aware of my attitude at the time, and that I felt I could be myself. As crazy, as loud, as opinionated as that *can* be, young Firecracker. And this fella didn't seem perturbed.............

Our meeting gave me faith.

I'm about to talk about pedestrian feminism - Brace! Brace!

I'm gifted with some amazing best friends. One is Nick, who is not only funny, but also incredibly insightful and wise. Thankfully he offers up a token male perspective with regards to the said dilemma I had. I offered that wimmin are still expected to be passive, or a lesser intellectual companion to aid their male counterpart in not only archetypal paternal dominance, but also to aid their need to be 'protectors'. Welllllllll, he called me out straight away, yelling about 'female castrates' and how he preferred his relations with the laydees to be cerebrally challenging and rife with assertion. 

Ok, ok I get it, you like a strong woman. Oh, yes, of course, that's why we're friends. Well, he is ace.

We are all ace. Even the shits. Because someone, somewhere will think so. Keep the faith. Be open to the fact that you are great - for all your freakish foibles - and when you see a special greatness in someone else reflecting right back at you, that's when the magic might happen...  

(Excuse me, I need to dial-a-cliché...)

Jon Brion - Here We Go

You've gotta hope that there's someone for you

As strange as you are

Who can cope with the things that you do

Without trying too hard

Because you can bend the truth

Until it's soothing you

These things that you're wrapping all around you

You never know what they will amount to

And your life is just going on without you

It's the end of the things you know

Here we go

You've gotta know that there's more to this world

Than what you have seen

Because we all have a limited view of what we can be

As we move along

With our blinders on

Each one of us feels a little stranded

And you can't explain or understand it

Each one of us on a different planet

And admist all the to and fro

Someone can say "Hello,

Here we go"

The feeling that someone really gets you

It's something that no one should object to

It could happen today so I suggest you

Skip your habit of laying low

It's the end of the things you know

Here we go