Big Ted's, Little Ted's.

Dedicated to my wonderful friends D and J.

I like bears. I like bears in all forms; anything remotely fuzzy makes me feel tickly. 

The Spirit of the Bear - A lone, courageous, nails, wedge of blubber that likes to roll around a lot and climb up stuff, and looks ace when fully erect and waving their paws about. They get to sleep loads when the weather hits indoors lock down. 

Super Ted.

Now to bears in the gay community: You can further break them down to Daddy Bears and Cubs. I love chunky gay bears - that’s a Daddy Bear, I get drunk off the futile arousal. Cubs are their younger, most often slimmer twinks. Twinks are young gay lads who mostly like lycra. Lycra is a combination of space matter with 15% Ford Capri.

Controversially I would like to add an addition to Bear Camp - The straight bear as yet undefined to my knowledge. Man Bear. A tad Daddy Bear, but less likely to dig lycra.

     

He works in meat or creative guff or something involving calloused hands. He likes ale, practical fashion and old-fashioned ways. He also knows his beardy face looks like a reassuring and comfortable saddle. Temptresses! He has some control, but not enough to like cake and pie and real ale. You know? The good stuff. Probably overweight by about 2 stone. Might ride a bicycle and would definitely buy you an ice cream.

Gentle Ben.

In studying facial hair I have to say I am a great fan of the neat beard-tash set. It’s less try-hard than some more playful adornments. But just enough to not be one of those bushy unkempt beards able to hide salmon or suggest you should be CRB'ed.

But that brings me to polar form of the dreaded spiv thin moustache. I had a conversation with someone who had one last night. I could not take to him at all, solely because of my newly recognised phobia of bum fluff topiary.

You know what? Thin stuff is weak. From a practical perspective, thin stuff dies first and it can't lift a barrel of ale. Go to a farmers show and see the size of those marrows and tell me a streaky pissy one looks appetising? Models live on champagne and fags, and would survive a maximum of 2 months if the shit hits the fan (unless they shag for spam), so you can kiss my fat arse - I’ve got at least 5 months because of my massive buns. You can bet I’ll be hitchhiking to Disneyland on my resources.

It’s the floating form of the waif tasche I can’t abide, Sigmund. It’s just wrong, aesthetically, logically and fashionably. Thin lip framers do nothing for the wearer. They’re as self-conscious as their fashion conscious owners. It’s a half-arsed attempt at manhood and the boys need to be told. Big bears you need to tell them. Hold off a while and wait till you’re a Man Bear.

I collared two young 'uns the other night; one baggy, one wedge haircut. I knew wedge haircut was more susceptible to the possibilities and I butted into their conversation demanding a debate on the thin moustache.

They agreed they looked shit - I made Haircut promise he wouldn’t grow one, and they returned to talking about Stoke City. Well one of them did anyway. Haircut just dropped in filler.

Boy love.

I don’t have a problem with men who can’t grow decent beards at all, to be honest I don’t seek Beard Utopia (though actually....), and it’s all superficial nonsense but it’s quite a boon in my world. The bears in my life make things so much more stronger, fuzzier and ticklier.

And don't ever let them tell you you look like a paedophile.

The Sloth Bear - probably endangered due to immobility and honey. 

Some may have paedophilic tendencies that remain unrealised due to lack of motivation. Found in India.