London Part I

I was never mugged in London. I have lived there twice, and twice it beat me. The first time, I was a mere pup, cajoled into moving to the SE by my then boyfriend, who had recently left the dizzy heights of Blackpool to return home to his Motherland. Frankly, his 'Blakey' impression was too good to let slip from my grasp, and I followed him shortly after. We lasted 14 months. Further down the line, I became aware of his undying loyalty to 'The Sun', and his possessiveness became so severe he even - falsely - accused me of having an affair with my best male friend. Add to the mix he had 'feeder' tendencies, and I knew I had to get out when I became resigned to smocks and a large bag of Peanut M&M's for a social life.

It appears I had a lucky escape; I discovered the girlfriend prior had gone from a size 12 to a 26. Now that's a serious pair of 'before' trousers. Still, we had fun, huh big guy?!

"I 'ate you Butler".

I returned to London 6 years later full of optimism having been given an amazing opportunity by BBC 6 Music to host their lunchtime show. They were paying me handsomely, and I promptly bought an overpriced handbag and sank into the lifestyle of a deluded out-of-touch overpaid egocock.

Being thrust into the public arena of the BBC enthusiast was a terrifying experience. Never before had I encountered people who were so passionate about their radio station; they would seemingly want to kill their presenters should they speak ill of Bob Dylan. I did. I will always maintain he is massively overrated and the sound of his whine reminds me of the harping on I have had to endure from his diehard followers, but I certainly don't want him to meet his death at my hands.

At the age of 26 I encountered my first death threat. This alone justified the overpriced bag, which was stolen two weeks after purchase. Egocock.

Following the threat, I remember going up on the the roof of Broadcasting House, phoning my brother and sobbing my heart out. I could not handle it at all. I only got into this because I love new alternative music and the sound of my own voice.

At my leaving party I found out who had sent me the unnerving message. Dave, had substance abuse issues that in turn sparked dark episodes that he directed at me. He told me to my face, and it was fine. Dave apologised and I left my party.

(Enter Elton John with his multi-award winning composition 'The Circle of Life')

I have many thoughts and experiences of London that may be shared throughout the bikfinpie, so consider this an aperitif, as the Capital is once again stirring.

"London"

It's

a

nice

place

to

visit,

but

I

wouldn't

want

to

live

there.

It's
a
nice
place
to
visit,
but
I
wouldn't
want
to
live
there.